July 8, 2008
On Turning 40…
I turn 40 this week. It is something I’ve dreaded for over a year now. 40 seems so auspicious, so significant. At 30, I was newly divorced and childless, sad but carefree. At 40 life is so much complicated, more rich, more varied than I ever imagined. So this is it. The gateway to another decade.
What will happen?
That question used to have this answer: something better will happen. Something someone somewhere better than this will happen.
And now, for the first time, I feel down to my bones that the real answer is this: I don’t know. I never ever did know really… but a combination of wishful thinking and a very rich internal life kept me imagining other scenarios.. grander vistas than just this moment.
One year ago today I was still drinking more than ever, miserably unhappy in my marriage and with my life. I’d just ended an affair and felt like giving up, like all my life was good for was raising the kids and trying not to die. It was a grim and terrible secret.
Sobriety has given me my life back, has opened up new possibilities for work, family, love, that I honestly could never have imagined, but that is all so trite compared to this simple fact: I am happy now. Not always, not forever, but in this moment.
I do not drink anymore, one day at a time. I have a place to go every day, a fellowship of people who are also trying not to drink so that they can be better stronger more loving people. In their brokenness and hope, I see something majestic and lovely.
This week I am 40. This week I have 9 months of sobriety.
I am grateful beyond words…
***
On more life happens notes:
1. The book is tooling along – 1/2 the manuscript is due this Friday… Thank you to everyone willing to slog through this first draft.
2. My parents are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary tomorrow – congratulations folks!
3. Looking forward to attending BlogHer next week sober… I’m sure it will be an entirely different experience this year
4. At Babble: 10 Signs that Daddy Isn’t Slacking Anymore…
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Happy b-day. I hope I can do 50 later this year as gracefully as you are doing 40. See you next week, my friend.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:41 pmWOOOOOOOOOOO @ 9 months – Awesome!
July 8th, 2008 at 7:45 pmMay your 40′s be the reward for your 30′s!
July 8th, 2008 at 9:08 pmHappy birthday and congratulations. The best, I bet, is yet to come. I believe it.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:49 pmokay, how freaking cute are you??
Happy Birthday my friend. I’m so proud of you for that nine months, and I can’t wait to hang out next week.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:17 pmI’ll be attending my first BlogHer this year. I will be sober as well — of pregnant necessity in my case, but still. I’m looking forward to pinning you down for a totally sober heart-to-heart. We reds have to stick together, you know.
Happy Birthday, chica. 40 is the new forever 29, or so I hear…
July 8th, 2008 at 11:25 pmI’m 42 today. From a little further down the trail into the fourth decade I can tell you all is looking well. However, since my eyesight is fading you may be best advised not to rely too heavily on my reassurance.
At a meeting of of the middle-aged we have voted not to allow you into your forties until you look a lot less good for your age. You are just showing us up.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:03 amHappy Birthday and thanks for sharing your own happiness of being with all of us. My forties have brought me the best things in my life, so far: my son, life in the high desert which is where my heart lives and my soul thrives, travel to Britain, Italy, Mexico, Greece and San Diego.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:06 amBe well and may your celebration last the whole month long!
Happy Birthday Redsy. Something better IS happening. Thanks for sharing for journey.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:40 amHappy birthday, but even more, congratulations on nine months of sobriety. What a great anniversary!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pmHappy, happy Birthday! Sounds like this year will be a wonderful one for you.
And congrats on your sobriety anniversary.
And… Hope you have fun at Blogher. Wish I was going to be there to meet you!
July 10th, 2008 at 5:24 pmHappy birthday babe!
Long time, no?
I am proud of you for your 9 months like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve got some experience with addiction. Minor, but hell, it counts. I still dream of mine. I now know my triggers. It’s taken me years, therapy, and meds to “conquer” it. And it’s still a work in progress.
Hell yes I’m proud of you!
Hope your 40s are a fresh start to a fantastic life.
Best,
Andie
July 11th, 2008 at 12:26 amHappy 40th!
July 12th, 2008 at 2:00 amHappy birthday Rachael! But what you really have to dread is the 50th!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:58 amWhat a beautiful, hope-filled post.
Wishing you the best and brightest.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:02 amHi, i turn 40 tomorrow, ugh!!! july 19, happy birthday!!!
July 18th, 2008 at 7:15 pmI still feel like a kid, but the grey hair gives it away,lol
anyway it`s just a number, no biggy.
Happy Birthday! I’m sure wonderful things will come to you in your 40′s!
I really like your blog, I found it from Seattle Mom Blogs. 
July 20th, 2008 at 6:19 pmOK, How guilty do I fee for missing this?
Happy birthday, Rachael!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm