Archive for the 'Every Mama Needs…' Category
Mother Plucker
When I became a mother 5 1/2 years ago, I had the usual trepidations (twin pregnancy, a very humbling experience), but they were primarily related to identity and large asses and careers plummeting. The worst that happened (single parenting, sick babies, loneliness and isolation) was only terrible on reflection. These challenges occurred in a tunnel of daily-ness, determination, and survival, the kind of struggle that is blessedly free of time to realize the pit one’s in.
And the fierce love, Mommy the Lionheart person who emerged… I liked her. She was a tough chick with something to fight for, with a whole nest full of innocents to protect. Protect!! … Finally a purpose for all that argument and verve and intensity.
Little by little, the thought would pass through my tired busy mind that they were changing me, protecting me. I would swiftly dismiss it (I didn’t want to be one of those parents — the ones that use their kids energy and love to feed themselves). So I muscled along, determined that this love would be one-way, sacrificial, selfless. It was my crowning glory, my most secret pride (that I loved my children more than myself, that they were better and more deserving than I)…
But this sacrifice (even this quiet fierce kind — whose outside appearance was “those annoying kids” to my friends, but at home was “can I get you anything else, honey?”), took a measure of me, and killed it, broke it. And even while there was an inside thought that this was as it should be, there was a wild girl inside that wouldn’t have it. That wouldn’t couldn’t live this way. So I drank. Too much. Too often. Until “occasionally” became “daily”… until “for fun” became “because I need it to get through…”
And so I’ve reached another crossroads of Motherhood— the best thing I’ve ever done, will ever do. I want to give my daughters my whole self, my full standing up tall singing self. To do this, I need to reclaim some pieces for me… so that these, my most beloved daughters, the most precious girls, will learn that to be wild and free AND a mother is possible. Is necessary.
So I’ve decided to give up my beloved glass(es) of evening wine. For my daughters, but mostly for myself.
Because I want to believe we mamas can be wild and free, without aid of any substance but our loving tough hearts, and big big dreams…
Motherhood – It Changes You
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1:37 pm |
Who’s Afraid of the Mommy Wars?
Had enough of the mommy wars? Despite the fact that many of us claim to be all done with the slings and arrows, there is no way around the fact that motherhood is incendiary. Newsweek’s article “Enough with the Mommy Wars” is case in point.Mojo Mom takes author Kathleen Deveny to task for neglecting the deeper issues and sticking to the shallow end of mom-theory typified by mommy lit lite. Expecting Executive demands an apology and encourages Newsweek to turn to better sources for the real story on motherhood, including BlogHer. Last week, Kelly wondered if we’ve become narcissist mommies.
But really, what is the big deal? Ms. Deveny commits heresy by claiming she’s bored to death of the mommy wars and the snobbiness on message boards ( the Internet makes mommy mean) as well as the tiresome taxonomy of motherhood represented by mom lit (rocker mamas, MILFs, momzillas, slummy mummies…). I say go ahead and be bored and oversimplify as much as you like. Write about how dull it all is in Times, Newsweek and the New York Times. You’re missing the point.
That the Mommy Wars exist primarily online and in print doesn’t mean they aren’t real. They provide a safer (and less confrontational) outlet for people to yell about childrearing. Just take a look over at the comments generated on Babble by the hospital formula ban and one easily sees what all the fuss is about.
These debates serve a real useful purpose. They help us parent better. They help us articulate and define our positions. They help us understand different approaches and viewpoints more effectively. And yes, they are also silly and catty and petty. But the Mommy Wars are also empowering and enlightening. And that is why I hope they continue for a long long time.
**cross-posted at Babble**
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9:01 pm |
Sassy Spawn
“Mom. You are a nice mommy but you need to do what I SAY! You know?”
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8:38 pm |
Confessions of An Eco-Hating Camper. Looking for Home, Part 2.
I have serious cottage-love. If the space is small and cramped and cozy (and incidentally easy to clean) I’m in! So we’ve come to some decisions around the homestead and finally finally husband has agreed we can start looking for a home that better reflects our desired lifestyle (more walking, less driving, less cleaning, more living), which translates into finding a smaller (much smaller) home in the central part of Bellingham. Closer to parks, stores, and all things pedestrian friendly.
Our house will enter the market the first part of July and we’ll officially throw our hat into the ring of slow-moving real estate and dashed hopes. If we don’t sell, we’ll try again next year. Meanwhile, we’ve found a lovely intermediary step.
We bought a trailer. It’s luxurious, but compact, bunkbeds for kids with doors that close, bathrooms (yes more than one) and an outdoor shower and all kinds of other bells and whistles. The trailer is parked at this family-friendly little resort where they have bike paths, a swimming pool, and community center. Oh. And wireless Internet. Did I mention that we call this “camping”?
If we sell our house before we find another (which is highly likely) we have a place to land so we’re not rushed into any decisions.
I’m somewhat embarrassed by my love of this trailer. It’s silly and lovely and so easy to manage. I sigh when I walk in the door. It’s the closest thing to home I’ve felt in a long long time.
Just don’t tell the real campers my secret.
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12:04 pm |
Sometimes I Turn to You…
Like you, I’m occasionally at a loss for words. Less sass, more morass. But the laughter is still there, just leaning underneath the existential dilemmas. Times like these, other blogs are like hands reaching out in friendship. Like good literature or fine wine or an old friend’s smile.. things that keep our lonely hearts comforted, quiet, and smiling.
Living life fiercely and with great passion comes naturally to some of us with more snark than softness, but when the snark lies down tired and worn, and what’s left is some sort of Hallmark pea gravel, one is disinclined to gaggify the blogosphere more than absolutely necessary.
So I’ll leave it at this… One of Emily Dickinson’s finest:
Wild nights! Wild nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!
Futile the winds
To a heart in port,
Done with the compass,
Done with the chart.
Rowing in Eden!
Ah! the sea!
Might I but moor
To-night in thee!
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8:36 pm |
This One’s for the Boys
Fathers are frequently under-appreciated hardworking, dishes-cleaning-up, bottle-getting, paycheck-bringing-home sports-watching, wife-angering confused-heads. Honestly, you could not pay me enough to swap my lady bits for a man package… no matter how privileged and easily orgasmed the lot of them are.
To be a man in this society means to be wrong most of the time, all the while carrying around the equipment and the gender of rightness. To have (on a good day) no clue what you did to deserve that particular look, or door slam, or low-level simmering resentment. If you are a man, to put it mildly, you’re in a bit of a pickle.
But let’s say you survived Mother’s Day relatively unscathed. You bought the spa certificate, the flowers, and watched the kids for the afternoon so she could get out. What are your hopes and dreams for Father’s Day? Maybe a nice sleep-in, a shag, a baseball game, or time to read a good book. Should you be a highly evolved sort, perhaps Father’s Day will involve a free morning for yoga, a kefir cleanse, or tantra.
Read More…
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7:57 am |
Home is Where the McMansion Isn’t
Which sounds more fun?
1. Investing in real estate
2. Buying a house
3. Making a home
The McMansioning of America would indicate that many people have mistaken the first two tasks with the third. With all the pressure to expand and fill spaces with more and more stuff (each kid needs POUNDS Of toys), it’s easy to become enslaved to the assumption that each little person needs his or her own room, his or her very own well-organized shelving system.
Architect and unintended revolutionary, Sarah Susanka, has a beautiful series called the Not So Big House, which lays out beautifully the joys of smaller, and well-crafted spaces.
As my family and I try and recapture our gypsy spirits, our cottage hearts swell at the thought of making something homier, better suited, and smaller out of our housing dream. Less fortress, more neighborhood. Less driving, more walking.
I’ve always been enchanted by home, nesting, and finding a place that feels, smells of love. But I’ve often been so busy responding mindlessly to a sense of restlessness, I’ve mistaken adventure for home. Real estate investment for home.
When I hear others’ tales of house sprucing up, buying and selling and moving and recreating space, I’m often envious, but always always riveted.
Somewhere in my future is my home sweet cottage. Have you found yours? Your dream home?
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9:42 am |
Every Daddy Needs…
Here at CrankMama we like to stick up for the mamas. We love to encourage shoe-worship, girlfriend gallivanting, kid-free quiet time and much soul-fulfilling romping. But what about the poor papas? Is there no room left in all this fun for the man-love? Oh my yes!!
In fact, our love for the daddies is so incontrovertible and often over the top, we sometimes get into trouble while wearing gold lame and quaffing fancy drinks (but that’s a story for another time).
In honor of Father’s Day (and everyone is somebody’s daddy don’t you know), we’re sharing secrets of CrankMama man baskets that even the most diffident confused man will enjoy.
Today’s Man Basket Tip
If he’s anything like Daniel Craig (and praise God, let’s hope he is), then your man likes a woman to dress up. Surprise him for a date. Pick him up at work (or home) all dolled up with heels and makeup and perfume and whisk him away on a kid-free evening adventure.
If the night takes you somewhere evilicious and questionable and mysterious, so much the better. Tattoo parlor? Head shop? Sex shop? Who knows?
Meanwhile. There are some seriously funny and talented (& hot) daddio bloggers out there. You should check them OUT.
Cry it Out
Mitch McDad
Moobs
Doodaddy
Nummy!!
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12:05 pm |
(House) Size Matters
By all accounts, Americans are hungering after bigger and bigger houses, while families are getting smaller and smaller. In 2007, the average home is 4 bedrooms 2.5 baths. And, not surprisingly, even though these newer homes are more energy efficient, their environmental footprint is every bit as dramatic, if not moreso, because of the square footage now required to air condition and heat.
Over a year ago, b and I bought our first new house here in Bellingham. It’s a lovely and has (you guessed it) 4 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. The yard is relatively low-maintenance and shady and the kids love their colorful bedrooms.
But I miss my sweet little cottage. The small spaces and one-bedroom easy cleaning Willow that I lived in with my girls. In the end, kids with their forts have it right: There is something comforting about small spaces, with low-ceilings, and white appliances. Something sweet and pure and lovely.
When you have kids, or get older, or both, creating and sustaining a home that feels safe, secure, and cozy, seems so much more important. In my 20s, I could move every 6 months just for the fun and sport of it. Now I want to create a home that feels warm when you walk in the door. Meanwhile, my longing for home is channeled into surfing for real estate all the time…
How about you? What’s home to you? Are you a secret real estate hussy like me?
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11:55 am |
Mothers Fess Up About TV Babysitter
Mothers. Those layabout ne’er-do-wells. Always with the complaining about being “tired” and not feeling “in the mood.” Come on!! Women (especially strong righteous pioneer women) used to make their own butter, for chrissakes! And we’re not even talking about the women who used to work in kitchens of harvest golds and yellows.
Seriously. What is UP with modern mamas? If you read the likes of Silicon Valley Moms Blog, where they have the nerve to discuss the freewheeling unapologetic use of “screen” time to do things like cook dinner, shower, and read books, you’d think raising children was indentured servitude.
And you’d be RIGHT! Right? Raising kids is a tough business in a day and age when “go outside and play” might as well be “go find the freak neighbor who likes to touch little people!”
I think the mamas in the Silicon Valley have it right. Sometimes, screen time is a perfectly acceptable babysitter. Cause even mommies have to go potty once in awhile.
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Cross posted from StrollerDerby
Posted by admin @
10:51 am |
