Today at the meeting, people were talking about individual beliefs about God and Higher Power.. I’ve skirted the God thing thus far, but no more. Last week’s assignment: to make a list of qualities my God would have, if I had the power to design Him/Her.
To wit:
* approachable
* funny
* warm
* nonjudgmental
* easy-going
* swears
* appreciates dark humor
Prior to recovery, I doubt I would have believed that such a “create your own God” system would work… but if everyone I’ve met is to be believed, it does.
If there is some higher spiritual order to be found in accepting the destructive power of children in a home, when the adult present has recused herself from cleaning — giving herself a few days off — a blackbelt in watching a home get dirtier.. then I have one.
My therapist told me to practice doing nothing so I am. Doing. Nothing. Nothing about the mess, the dishes, the food, the floors, the living room… I’m doing other things instead. Things about books and writing, and girlfriends, and spiritual growth.
My hesitance to take on the dual role of writer and promoter is no match for the peanut gallery in my life who encourage me to view the book as a project in need of delivery, petty fears and insecurities notwithstanding.
So this little site will soon shift to become a launching pad.. a nest for the bird of a book to take flight (with or without the perfect lipstick and shoes).
A small thing to be away for a few days and take great delight in throwing together a nice chicken dinner for the kids (who hate it anyway) and cleaning the house (even though it will get dirty again). It is a small thing to stop while swinging one’s daughters to observe them in a split second, growing up before your eyes. Laughing, heads back, innocent and open.
I celebrated 18 months of sobriety today. I am at home in the world.
I’m sitting amidst gales of laughter as the girls do their part to bring the words “comfortable” + “naked” to happy agreement. Thus far, in my shepherding, I’ve encouraged using real words for body parts, discussing openly why this works this way and that works that. I’ve worked on being accepting of hearing “vagina” more in one day than some do in a lifetime. To them it is like the weather: regular, normal, and occasionally requiring in-depth discussion.Â
Insert the obvious stories about embarrassingly loud remarks in public places, vociferous apologies to our (proper) babysitter when Violet taught her daughter the joys of the word “butt,” and you have the picture.
This joy in nakedness is pure and silly and mostly amazingly good (though I can’t help wishing I were raising them in a safer, simpler time).
And then I imagine Marlo Thomas and the whole crew of “Free to Be You and Me” are here with us, in spirit, laughing and clapping and singing along.
I’m sure that in these moments live caution and surrender – innocence and joy. A small message from God: Be happy. Be free.
A place, like a story, is strengthened by practicing the words, admitting quietly to ones self, and then saying aloud “perhaps I could have my own corner, a place.” For me to tell a girlfriend to build herself a small quiet corner away from kids and cacophonies is easy as breathing. Â To say such a thing to myself, is like slogging uphill wearing cement boots.
I have learned, in my 12-step fellowship, to value the inherent uniqueness of all stories,including my own — to love the flavors and subtleties of others’ tales, and watch their unfolding with an awareness and appreciation that would have inspired only yawns and eye-rolls 2 years ago.
Today is my 2nd day in my very own pretty little space. Â My very own office, where I can work and think, with a door that locks. Â And I suspect you know exactly what I mean.
My latest? Beyonce. Â The clothes! The beauty! The voice! The sass! Â When I listen to her music, I feel pretty, young, and powerful. Â And I’m sure many other 14-year old girls would heartily agree with me on this one.
For the past few months, I’ve been so wrapped up with work and family and busy-ness that I’ve almost missed the opportunity to do my happy dance.  Even though I’m still many months away from publication, my book is on Amazon
One of the most fun parts of this process was coming up with a dream list of possible writers who might endorse the book. She already said “yes” as did she. Thank you thank you thank you!
(David Sheff and Ann Patchett, if you’re out there and would like a personal slave for a year, please please endorse my book).
Meanwhile, life is grand…. 14 months of sobriety and counting.
Part recovery, part self-help, and all real, raw stories of waking up for the sake of your self and your children, Mommy Doesn’t Drink Here Anymore follows one mother’s journey from cocktail mama to sober mama. {read more}
